Driving anxieties

I am 34 and I still don't have a driving license. This often gets me perplexed looks from people, and endless lecturing about how I really should get around to it.

It isn't all that simple.

I remember the first times I tried driving a car when I was about 17. I remember the terror as I felt the strength of the engine - a strength I was supposed to be able to control. I remember the car jumping as I stalled it, or roaring angrily when I stepped on the accelerator pedal. I hated it.

Then I went away to study, and from then on, I only lived in big towns with good public transport. It was very convenient. I never had to worry about driving - buses, trains, a bike, or asking friends for a lift worked just fine. Moreover, it seemed to me that the environmental cost of driving a car was too high, and that not driving was a responsible thing to do. In any case, I couldn't afford to maintain a car.

However, 2 years ago, I moved back to my parents', who live in the countryside, and my troubles began. Public transport is virtually non-existent, and access to basic facilities such as banks, post offices or shops involves at least a 15-minute drive. I became entirely dependent on my parents to get anywhere. I had no choice. I had to start learning how to drive.

The theory test wasn't a problem. I've always been a fast learner when it comes to purely academic skills. I studied the rules, booked the test, passed it. Simple. Putting it into practise, there's the rub.

I got in touch with a driving instructor, a very kind and patient lady. On my first day, we sat in the car for half an hour while she reassured me that it was going to be OK.

At first, even 20mph felt like I was going way too fast. Changing gears was choppy at best. Surely the car was a vicious beast that had no kind intentions towards me whatsoever. The most difficult thing to handle, though, was (and still is) other drivers. They're not necessarily bad drivers (although many are), but having to constantly take into account what someone else might do is exhausting to me. Passing each other on anything that isn't a main road is terrifying, because perspective makes me feel like that there isn't room enough. My instructor gave me a good tip, though. "Just look straight ahead at where you need to go, look as far ahead as you can; and you'll naturally steer the car in the right direction. Take notice of obstacles but don't dwell on them, because then you'd steer towards what you're focusing on." That helped. I made slow progress for a while, then winter happened - snow, black ice. I stopped the lessons and let time pass.

When I met Nicholas, he soon offered to help. I have to say he's the best driving instructor ever. He is calm and patient whatever the circumstances, and lets me learn at my own pace. He knows when to take me out of my comfort zone, but doesn't pushes me beyond my limits. I have made amazing progress since I first started... almost two years ago.

Two years seems like a long time to learn such a basic skill, right? Well, with Asperger's syndrome, it's not as basic as that. Driving involves concentrating on several things at once - the layout of the road, traffic signs, other users, changing gears, using indicators or wipers - all of this coming to my brain very fast, and my brain needs more time than most people to process information! It also requires anticipating, having to cope with constantly changing situations, and adjusting my actions accordingly, all things I struggle with. If it were as simple as, "If A happens, I must do B", I would be fine - but on the road lots of different things happen everytime and each scenario can feel like learning from scratch all over again. I took the test a few weeks ago and failed because a situation I wasn't prepared for arose and I reacted wrongly.

I am not giving up, though. I have come a long way, and I can drive in many contexts even though it causes me a lot of stress and often leaves me exhausted afterwards. Anxieties can be overcome, even with Asperger's.