Asperwhat?

In my latest post, I mention the fact that I have Asperger's syndrome. Some of you knew this already; to others, this might come as a surprise.

I think it might be useful to explain what it means, and how it affects me.

Asperger's syndrome is an autistic spectrum disorder. People on the autistic spectrum - people like me - struggle to process the information the world throws at them. We experience difficulties in three main areas: social communication, social interaction, and social imagination.

Some people with severe autism cannot even understand how language works as a communication tool, for instance. For higher-functioning people such as me, it may mean we struggle to understand facial expression or body language, to know how to start an appropriate conversation, or to realise someone is joking. I often need time to process what people say to me, which can be a big problem in the workplace. That is social communication.

We are confused by social rules that most people abide to without even thinking. Sometimes we can behave in ways that appear completely inappropriate - not because we want to upset people, but because we don't realise it's inappropriate. Social situations can feel overwhelming - which is why I avoid big gatherings even though I love my friends dearly (just not all of them at the same time!). That is social interaction.

Other people's feelings or actions can be a mystery to us unless they are clearly explained. We can appear to lack empathy, but this is not because we don't care: it's because we lack the cognitive tools to interpret correctly the subtle cues to someone else's emotions. We can find it very hard to think of alternatives to behaviours or outcomes that are familiar to us, and we can fail to generalize something we learnt in a specific situation to a new situation. This means everytime something unfamiliar happens, we grow extremely anxious and have to go through the process of learning how to cope all over again. I can totally freeze up when I feel overwhelmed, or even break down in tears because I cannot think of what to do. That is social imagination.

In addition, we can suffer from sensory issues such as high sensitivity to sounds, light, smells or touch. These issues can be affected by our physical state - if I am tired, loud noises or strong smells can feel like such an attack on the senses that it hurts.

But most people can't see all of this. They see a grown woman who seems "normal" most of the time... Until they ask me to do something, but because their phrasing wasn't explicit enough, I get it completely wrong. Or something unexpected happens and I fail to take the "obvious" course of action and just stand there like a deer in the headlights. Or I break down in tears for no apparent reason. Or I say or do something very odd for a woman my age, like jump up and down when I see something I really like. Or I get really angry because someone hooted their car horn and the noise made me jump. I could go on and on.

We call it a hidden disability, because it's not plainly visible, and people who don't know us assume we're being odd, rude or obnoxious.

Now you know.

More info on the National Autistic Society's website.